With the super moon that lit up our night's sky on new year's day, came the release of 2017, bringing with it an opportunity for a fresh start, a blank canvas per se, for us to create whatever we choose. Things are looking up and bright, like the moon, in stark contrast to where I was a year ago. I held high hopes for 2017, however it's arrival was not nearly as joyous as this year's, in retrospect it was kinda grim. I wrote this post back on November 19th, and I almost don't want to share it now, as I feel I have waited too long and my spirits are feeling much lighter. I admit I flip-flopped whether or not to blog, in part, due to my procrastinating ways, but mainly being too shy/nervous to wear my heart on my sleeve. It's common knowledge that growth comes through conquering your fears, so here we go! The background to set the stage as to why this year off has come at such a pivotal time in my life. Warning: it's not all filled with sparkles, sunshine and lollipops...
Life was easy, breezy, beautiful. I was deeply in love with life. Life was so fresh and full, kinda like stepping out into the freshest of air, and your head, chest and shoulders raise while your lungs take a big gasp, and when you sigh it all out, your shoulders melt down your back and the rest of your body follows suit, into a relaxed state of sensory bliss. We were planning to have kids, marriage, the whole 9 yards. He twinkled in the sunlight and glistened under the moonlight. This was our reality, life was just right, we pinched ourselves on the daily, how did we get so lucky? And then life got flipped-turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the prince of…Oh wait, k, for real.
Exactly a year ago today, our lives changed forever. It was an unseasonably warm sunny November afternoon, I got a call while at work. He was in a motorcycle accident, I was told to go to the hospital asap. My body could barely keep itself up, my life stopped. How could this be? Fuck. But I couldn’t stop, I had to get to him. I shook so much I convulsed, with so many tears flowing down my cheeks I couldn't see straight. I managed to put one foot in front of the other with help from a coworker, who guided me through the airport to pay for my cab. The cabbie was a blessing to get me through the painful drive, he prayed the whole way and stayed by my side in the hospital, until he could pass me off to the social worker who was coming to see me in the ER.
Wait, a social worker?! All I could think of was the social worker who came to see me when my dad passed. This is bad, like really bad. When she came to us, my cab driver asked right away, ‘is he alive?’. Her answer, a reluctant, ‘yes’. Phew, big sigh. I could kiss her, she held me, it was so comforting. (Can you imagine she had said ‘no’? Doing what she does, having to be the bearer of news in the ER? Oh man, what she must see, speak and feel on the daily, yikes!! So courageous, incredible and resilient.) She told me she can’t say much, other than it doesn’t look good, but he’s in the best hands possible, just hang tight.
His friends and family started to trickle in, and together, we waited in agony, thinking no news was good news. Maybe ten hours later, in the early hours of the morning, we got the lowdown that he’s alive, along with a novel reciting his many injuries and what has been done and needs to be done to keep him alive. Writing this hurts, I’ll spare you the further details, for both our sakes.
Things were a blur for him, and for myself, as I took the next few months dedicating myself to his recovery. I took a leave from work, and barely left his side. He’s a champ, broken from head to toe, a zillion large and small miracles have helped him live to see more days. Through the work of his many angels, doctors, nurses, surgeons, seemingly divine timing, good samaritans, therapists, a brand-new helmet, and his own body, willpower and inner strength, he is alive today.
A life that I am no longer a part of for reasons beyond my control. Again, I won’t get into it here, for those of you that know me, you likely know most the story, and for those of you interested in hearing more, maybe we can share a tea together one day. Doors were being closed that I could no longer open, even with the strongest lock-my heart. In a flash, my heart was so broken. And it was broken again and again and again.
Trying not to lose sight that there may be a 'bigger picture' for him and I, my life got pretty dark. Although he was a beacon of light, other stuff around him sadly wasn’t. Many in my life, particularly all the women, my sisters, mom, aunts and friends, tried so hard for so long to help keep me up, and to pull me out of the dark vortex, to show me there’s still plenty of light and life to be had. After being by his side for months, my family wanted to take care of me, so when he was released from the hospital to be with his family, I hesitantly went to stay with Jess in England. I have the utmost gratitude for the people in my life that helped carry me through this time, to all of you, again, I love you so much and thank you.
It was time to pause, and to conclude this post, I pause this story.